Relationship Goals and How to Actually Achieve Them, Regardless of Your Status
That day is approaching, the beloved, or for some, not so beloved, February 14th.
What comes up for you? Is it the rom-com that moves you to tears? The sudden craving for chocolates? Thoughts of your exes? Maybe it’s just another day, or perhaps it’s a painful reminder of the current state of your relationship.
No matter the thought, every feeling and memory is uniquely yours. It matters. Hold it there for a moment, maybe write it down, and let’s dive in.
The Symbolism of the Five Foot Stuffy
For me, Valentine’s Day conjures images of heart-shaped boxes, pink balloons, giant stuffed teddy bears, and glittering gift bags adorned with bows and fluffed tissue paper. This isn’t because I’ve always received these things. It’s because of what they seem to represent.
I remember walking into school as a teenager in mid-February and seeing peers laden with gifts to or from their “special someone.” I’d smile and offer comments of awe to my friends while secretly feeling a measure of longing and, admittedly, some envy. Looking back, I see that I didn’t actually want a five-foot teddy bear taking up space in the corner of my room. What I wanted was what that wobbly statue of faux fur symbolized: the knowledge that someone cared for me deeply enough to choose me, and that I was special and mattered to them.
Nostalgia aside, please note that the celebration of a single holiday is not a measure of relationship health. Whether you go all out or do nothing at all, the true “status” we crave, feeling seen, safe, understood, and loved, isn’t found in a gift bag or box of chocolates. It is cultivated through science-backed habits.
Here are five actionable ways you can start building toward the relationship goals you want and crave.
1. Build a Genuine Friendship (The Real Chemistry)
Dr. John Gottman, one of the world’s leading authorities on relationship dynamics, shares a simple but profound truth: Friendship is the basis for a happy marriage.
But what about the spark or the chemistry? Isn’t that important? While I am not a neuroscientist or a matchmaker, I think we often obsess over “the spark” far too much. Hollywood-style passion is a flickering flame. The steady heat in a relationship comes from laughter, knowing your partner’s inner world, and showing up when things aren’t so “spicy.”
What friendship looks like in action:
- Rejoicing with them when they succeed
- Mourning with them when they are sad
- Knowing their favorite meal or when they need a hug
- Sending a “thinking of you” text just because
In the therapy world, we call many of these actions emotional attunement. This is the process of being known and engaged with on the inside, and doing the same for someone else. This is what creates the deeper connection we are all seeking.
Make it Actionable:
Set aside 15 minutes a day to connect. Play a game, ask meaningful questions, or go for a walk. If you’re single, apply this to your closest friendships. Learning to be a great friend is the best “internship” for a future partnership. It also offers a different, but equally important, level of connection we all need.
2. Learn to Regulate When Things Get Ugly (or Even Before They Get There)
It’s trash day, and it happened again. The bin is overflowing and smelly, despite a million conversations about it. You call your partner to share your disappointment in what feels like a reasonable way. You’re frustrated, but you want to address it appropriately. Your partner answers, and just by your tone, they worry this may not end well.
You express your frustration.
They say they’re sorry, but it’s been a stressful work week.
You say you understand, but they always seem to be “busy.”
They say that isn’t fair.
The cyclical pattern continues until the call ends with both of you hurt, frustrated, and upset.
Our bodies know this dance well (Johnson, 2008). When we feel unheard or disappointed, we often become emotionally flooded. Heart rate increases, muscles tense, and parts of the brain best at problem-solving go offline.
Maybe your stomach aches, your head hurts, or the room suddenly feels stifling.
When this pattern shows up, your first effective move is self-regulation. You cannot control your partner, but you can influence your own nervous system.
Whether you are in the middle of a conflict or preparing for a tough conversation, try the following before engaging:
- Breathe and slow your heart rate
- Pause in silence or step outside briefly
- Ground yourself by drinking some cold water or using another grounding technique you prefer
When you regulate yourself, you signal safety in the relationship, improve your own decision-making, and often help the other person regulate as well.
Make it Actionable:
Commit to a regular emotional regulation practice, daily or a few times a week. Breathing exercises, meditation, or grounding techniques are all good examples to try. Then, practice applying them before or during stressful interactions. Even as a therapist, I’m consistently surprised by the relief clients experience when they commit to these skills.
3. Own Your Hurtful Actions
After an argument, we naturally focus on how the other person hurt us. That makes sense. You are hurting. Just don’t stay there.
First, show yourself grace. Place a hand over your heart, take a deep breath, and remind yourself that you are not alone and that there is hope. We all, including me, find ourselves here at times. Self-soothe and give your feelings space before re-engaging.
Then comes what is, for many of us, the hard part.
Look inward and ask: Where could I have done better? How did I negatively contribute to this interaction? (Johnson, 2008). This isn’t about self-criticism. It’s about recognizing that you are an imperfect human in a complex system. Maybe your tone was sharp, you blamed, or you chose a poor time to talk. Both people usually contribute in some way.
Make it Actionable
Think of a recent conflict. Once calm, write down one thing you could have done differently. Then try to own your actions and apologize for your part. This does not excuse the other person’s behavior. It means you value connection more than being right.
4. Ask for What You Need (No More Hints!)
We’ve all heard that it takes two to tango, for better or worse. Just as both people contribute to conflict, healthy relationships require both to contribute to repair and positivity (Johnson, 2008).
Hints and passive-aggressive signals set your partner up for failure and leave you resentful. If asking directly feels scary, try changing the approach with a positive request flip.
The Positive Request Flip:
Instead of focusing on what you want them to stop doing, focus on what you want them to start or continue doing, and share how it makes you feel.
The old way: “You never help with the trash. You’re so lazy.”
The better way: “I feel really loved and supported when the trash gets taken out. Would you be willing to do that when you come home?”
Make it Actionable:
Identify a situation where you are not getting what you need at work, home, church, or in a friendship. Write or voice-record how you feel when the need is met. Ready for a challenge? Share it using this format:
“Hey, I wanted to let you know that when you [action], I feel [emotion]. Would it be possible for you to [specific request]?”
5. Evaluate Your Values vs. Your Time
In a world of endless to-do lists, good things often crowd out the best things. We value family and connection, yet we can spend our best energy on chores and achievements.
When people reflect on their lives, the quality of their relationships is often near the top of what matters most. Many of us do a lot of good with our time, but not all of it supports our deepest values. I know this is true for me. I can easily get lost in productivity and hustle rather than nurturing and enjoying relationships.
Like any skill, relationships require time and practice. That includes practicing how to handle the hard moments and intentionally creating and savoring the good ones.
Make it Actionable:
Complete a values clarification worksheet like one of the ones below. Then reflect on how those values show up in your relationships. Identify one or two small ways to align your daily schedule with your top relational values.
Explore the Values Clarification Worksheet or Brené Brown’s Living Into Our Values guide.
Final Thoughts: You Are Worthy of Connection
Whether you receive a giant teddy bear this February, a simple text from a friend, or no acknowledgment at all, you are worthy of love. Connection is a biological human need. You don’t have to wait years or complete countless therapy sessions to be “ready” for love. That capacity exists in you now.
Real love isn’t the highlight reel we see online or in movies. It’s a practice, a choice, and an interaction. Keep showing up, creating connections, and tending to the relationships you have. One day, you may be surprised by the depth of love and connection in your life. Remember, relationship goals are built one small, regulated, friendly moment at a time.
Ready to explore your barriers to connection? Schedule a free 15-minute phone consultation to learn how my services can help.
Meet one of our therapists who works with couples: Heidi Grover.
References:
Andrews, J. (2022, November 6). Leaves on a Stream Meditation [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/Ml-yuYraZkA
Bagley, A. (2018, May 31). How to ask for what you really want. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/complain-not-getting-didnt-ask-for/
Brown, B. (2022). Living into our values. Brené Brown. https://brenebrown.com/resources/living-into-our-values/
Calm Editorial Team. (2023, August 8). 100 questions to ask in a relationship to deepen your connection. Calm Blog. https://www.calm.com/blog/questions-to-ask-in-a-relationship
Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert (Revised ed.). Harmony Books.
Johnson, S. M. (2008). Hold me tight: Seven conversations for a lifetime of love. Little, Brown and Company.
Lisitsa, E. (2014, January 16). Self-care & emotional attunement. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/self-care-emotional-attunement/
Therapist Aid. (n.d.). Values clarification [Worksheet]. https://www.therapistaid.com/therapy-worksheet/values-clarification
Raypole, C. (2025, February 20). Grounding techniques: Exercises for anxiety, PTSD, and more. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/grounding-techniques
UAB Student Affairs. (2021, March 31). Square Breathing Visual [Video]. YouTube. https://youtu.be/bF_1ZiFta-E?si=vzlwYDf7xZl9bP2u