By Melissa Abbott, LPC
As parents and guardians, we naturally want the best for our children. We prioritize their physical health—teaching them to eat well, get plenty of sleep, and exercise. But mental health often falls by the wayside, despite being just as critical to their physical well-being. Talking about mental health with kids can feel intimidating, especially if you're not sure how to start or fear saying the wrong thing. However, creating open and ongoing conversations about mental health is one of the most important things you can do for your child.
Michelle Icard, author of Fourteen Talks by Age Fourteen, emphasizes that middle school is a critical time for developing communication habits between parents and kids. She explains that tweens and early teens often pull away from parents not because they don’t want to talk, but because they are figuring out how to express themselves and navigate their emotions independently.
One of her standout tips is to "walk the runway" before a big conversation—meaning, ease into discussions by talking about lighthearted topics first. This can help parents avoid coming across as interrogators and instead create a safe space for discussion. For mental health conversations, this might mean chatting about a TV show that touches on anxiety or sharing a personal anecdote before diving into more serious topics.
Icard also recommends using "sideways conversations" instead of direct face-to-face talks, which can feel intimidating for teens. Talking while driving, cooking, or engaging in an activity together can lower defenses and make kids more likely to open up. Additionally, she encourages parents to keep their responses measured—overreacting can make kids shut down, while staying calm and curious fosters trust.
The Unique Challenges Facing Today’s Youth
Kids and teens today face an abundance of stressors that previous generations didn’t experience in quite the same way. The constant pressure to perform academically, fit into social groups, and navigate social media can feel overwhelming. Anxiety, depression, and burnout are on the rise among youth. Add in challenges like bullying, family transitions, and world events, and it’s no wonder many children feel emotionally overloaded.
According to Mark Gregston, host of Parenting Today's Teens, teens often hide their struggles behind a mask of competence or indifference. This reluctance to open up stems from fear of being judged or misunderstood, leaving many parents blindsided when serious mental health issues arise. Will Elliott, Teen and Parent Coach, emphasizes that teens need to feel emotionally safe before they’ll share their deeper struggles.
Why Teens Struggle to Talk About Mental Health
Dr. Daniel Siegel, in his book Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain, explains how the adolescent brain goes through a major “remodeling” process. Emotional regulation, decision-making, and social awareness are still developing, which can make teens more reactive and emotionally intense. However, this same period is also an incredible window for growth. By understanding these biological realities, parents can meet their teens with empathy and patience, guiding them toward healthy coping skills without judgment.
Brené Brown, renowned researcher and author, stresses the power of vulnerability in building genuine connection. When parents model vulnerability—sharing their own struggles and emotions—it creates a space for their children to do the same. Vulnerability is the key to helping kids feel safe enough to open up about their emotions.
Effective Strategies for Initiating and Maintaining Meaningful Conversations with Your Children
Start Early and Be Age-Appropriate: Talking about mental health doesn’t have to wait until your child is a teenager. For younger kids, explain emotions in simple terms and normalize feelings like sadness or anxiety. As they grow, build on these conversations to include more complex concepts.
Model Openness and Vulnerability: Share your own experiences with stress or anxiety in an age-appropriate way. When you show that it’s okay to feel vulnerable, you teach your child that their emotions are valid, too.
Listen First, Talk Later: When your child shares something difficult, avoid jumping into problem-solving mode right away. Listen with full attention, reflect back what you’ve heard, and validate their feelings before offering advice.
Create a Judgment-Free Zone: Make it clear that no topic is off-limits. Reassure them that their feelings are important, even if they seem small. Avoid dismissive comments like, “It’s not that big of a deal” or “You’ll get over it.”
Address the Stigma: Many kids fear being judged for admitting they’re struggling. Remind them that mental health is just as important as physical health and that asking for help is a sign of strength.
Use Media as a Conversation Starter: Use movies, books, or news stories as natural ways to start conversations. For example, ask, “What do you think that character was feeling?” or “Have you ever felt like that?”
Your child’s mental health is just as essential as their physical health. Talking about it shouldn’t be a one-time conversation but an ongoing dialogue. By staying engaged, empathetic, and open, you can help your child develop emotional resilience and self-awareness. Remember, you don’t have to have all the answers—just showing up and listening is enough. And when things feel overwhelming, don’t hesitate to reach out for support. Parenting is a tough job, but you’re not alone in this journey.
Resources to Support the Journey
Books: Brainstorm by Dr. Daniel Siegel, Daring Greatly by Brené Brown, Parenting Today's Teens by Mark Gregston, and The Whole-Brain Child by Daniel Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson.
Websites: National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI), Child Mind Institute, and Teen Mental Health.org.
Apps: Headspace (for mindfulness), Calm Harm (for managing urges), and Moodpath (for tracking emotions).
Professional Help: Encourage your child to speak with a school counselor, therapist, or trusted adult if they’re struggling. Sometimes, professional support is the key to moving forward.